HEY, I’m so stupid, and I am crazy

Today I officially realized that I talk out loud when no one is around. A lot.

Pup lives in my bedroom so I’m always talking to him:

“Be right back goo goo!” “You hungry?!” “Good mornin’ jornin!” (just a word I made up to rhyme with mornin’) and so on… Whether what I’m saying are greetings or just talking out loud to him, I do it a lot. It has become a habit. And I know he can’t understand me but it’s automatic so I do it anyway.

Today I was in the bathroom coloring my hair and forgot something in my room. Right before I left the bathroom I said, “Be right back!” in a voice I use for Pup’s ears only. To no one. Because I’m so used to talking to Pup. I realized that I was alone and Pup-less and was like, wow, did I really just tell the shower or the toilet or my reflection in the mirror that I’d be right back?

I also find myself inserting Pup’s name into songs:

“If Pup was my boyfriend”

“Hey, I just met Pup, and he is crazy”

“Now Pup’s just somebody that I used to know”

“So Pup set the world on fire”

You get the hint.

I need to stop. This is embarrassing.

I really don’t want to turn into a crazy rabbit lady. I’m too young!

lil shiiiii!t

Declined.

It’s embarrassing when your credit card gets declined.

Especially when it happened to me tonight at a PetSmart. I got home and checked my checking account and there was $1.17 sitting there all lonely. Thankfully I have more in my savings account (not a lot…) and thankfully I have paychecks on their merry way.

I got to the checkout and put the two things I wanted to buy on the treadmill looking thing. Gave her my card, blablabla and she told me that it was declined. I tried to make funny of the situation by saying, “Probably went over the limit” not actually thinking that I did, and tried again with the same result.

I hate walking out of a store empty handed when I intended to make a purchase. It’s embarrassing.

This all could have been prevented if I got an email notifying me that my balance was low BEFORE I went to the store. But a half hour after I got home I received the damn email. A little late Bank of America…

Good thing it didn’t happen at the gas station right before I went to PetSmart!

What happens when you fill your car with gas and then you pay and have no money? The place I go to scans my card after they fill the tank with gas. Do they have to suck the gas out with something? Do they trust the person enough to have them drive back with the money? I’m confused. Someone tell me.

 

The saying, “When it rains, it pours” is so true. I went from being unemployed for 3 months poor/bored out of my freaking mind to having two part-time jobs (one really sh.tty one that gave an old rickety lady more hours than me) and getting interviewed for 3 jobs in one week. Why does everyone want me when I’m employed now? It’s annoying and overwhelming. These past few weeks have been kind of chaotic in my opinion. I’m starting to feel like a rickety old lady myself.

My feet and back hurt from standing all day. My face hurts from smiling so much. My bank account hurts because I’ve been spending it on gas. And other things.

I’m actually glad I’m leaving the store I work at now. The women are so gossipy it’s ridiculous. Me and two other co-workers were joking about how we’re going to make shirts that read: IT’S JUST A PAPER STORE. ’Cause it’s so damn true! The place is supposed to be all fun, and colorful, and happy but everyone is talking about each other. I wonder what they have to say about me when I’m not around but you know what? I really don’t care.

I’m leaving soon. I’m a good worker there so they can chirp about me behind my back all they want.

p ‘n l.

whooops.

Have you ever texted someone with the intention of talking about someone else and texted that someone else by accident? I have. A few times. And as soon as I realized what I did I could literally feel my heart in my throat.

Yesterday I texted my sister about my sister when I had really meant to text my mom. “Dana” and “Debbie” are right next to each other in my Blackberry Messenger (yeah, I still have a Blackberry!) contacts so that was probably the culprit.

We are always fighting about the car so I told my mom about our latest car argument. Or “cargument.”

As soon as I hit the send button and saw the little “R” above the check (that shows the other person has read the message) and braced myself for the verbal attack I was about to receive:

Cursing and threats for “tattling” on her.

I never ended up resending the text to my mom, probably because I was so scared of coming home to a trashed bedroom or terrified that all of my private matters that I keep in my journal (yeah, I still keep a journal) would be revealed. I need to find a better hiding place, by the way.

And since I have a Blackberry I can’t send screen shots of the conversation but I can assure you that it is entertaining and hilarious.

Anyway, it was embarrassing and I felt bad after. I am 22 years old with no life who still tattles on her younger sister apparently, haha. Whatever.

The same thing, but vice versa, happened a while ago when I was talking about my mom but I sent the text to my mom instead of my sister, who the text was originally meant for. This time I didn’t catch the mistake until I got an angry reply back from my mom.

I think I said something along the lines of, “Ugh mom’s so annoying!” I wasn’t threatened in her reply, but I was definitely embarrassed that time too. I really wish I remembered what I actually said.

All I know is I need to be more careful about who I’m talking about and who I’m sending it to.

Or maybe I should just stop talking about people all together.

But it’s just so much fun!

We’ll see.

I’ve learned my lesson.

For now, I guess.

How to be Annoying

1. Burp and then blow it towards someone
2. Text the whole time you are with friends, family, or at work
3. Say, “what?” every time after someone says something to you
4. Forget things
5. Mention your significant other’s name at least 5 times when you are with friends, family, or at work
6. Never stop talking about your children if you have any
7. Change the radio station the whole time you are in a car with someone
8. Step on the back of someone’s shoe when walking behind them
9. Always have bad breath
10. Email chain letters to everyone you know
11. Call someone, wait for the voice mail recording to begin, then hang up
12. Leave a voice mail
13. Say, “I don’t know” a lot
14. Say, “I don’t care” a lot
15. Never stop smiling
16. Never blink
17. Never stop talking
18. Ask to take a sip of someone’s drink
19. Always turn conversations to debates
20. Take your time when doing everything
21. Announce that you are feeling particularly gassy today
22. Forget to turn off your blinker
23. Never use your blinker
24. Never pay a friend back
25. Say, “So we meet again”
26. Follow someone
27. Never break eye contact
28. Smell bad
29. Wear shirts with pit stains
30. Walk around like you have a wedgie but never fix it
31. Ask someone for a piece of gum then spit it out 5 minutes later
32. Say, “I’m sorry” a lot
33. Yell
34. Be drunk in public
35. Cough repeatedly in class
36. Blow your nose in class
37. Take a picture of yourself and post it on Facebook with your camera/phone visible in the mirror
38. Press for every single detail when someone is telling you a story
39. Never stop asking questions
40. Interrupt people constantly
41. Never flush after peeing/pooping
42. Break wind on someone
43. Put a lot of bumper stickers on your car
    

    Junker clunker

44. Ask if you are annoying someone
45. Hiccup loudly
46. Sneeze obnoxiously
47. Look at someone you don’t know. Smile. Keep smiling.
    

    Like this

48. Wear T-shirts with stupid sayings on them
    

    No, no, and no.

49. Always quote movies
50. And creepily lean against walls
    

    Like this

I’m annoyed already.

paying the price for being an imbecile

I’m seeing all these status updates and photos of people from URI who graduated today and it’s making me sad and nostalgic. I can’t believe that I graduated one year ago today.

To celebrate, I will recount the frantic day I had:

I was so nervous, not because I was graduating, but because I was late — I had no idea where to go and no idea when I would finally get there.

I left my house in good time so I wouldn’t be late with all of the traffic that was going on. My dad and I were in the front, and my mom, cousin, and four siblings were in the back.

We were turning the corner right near the road where the school was on (Upper College Road). We were almost there when I realized I forgot my damn cap. We pulled over on the side of the road and I searched frantically for it with no luck.

If I ever forget something I’d be like F it, but since this was graduation day and I kinda needed my cap we had to drive all the way back to Narragansett where I lived. I found it on my bed of course, and I looked at the time and it was 20 minutes until it was time to walk.

I was freaking out like crazy because I knew I was going to be late. I ended up being a half hour late for graduation and I didn’t even get to take pictures with my friends with our caps and gowns on. I started crying in the car because I didn’t know where I had to go and who I would have to walk with.

The traffic was insane and I called my friend to see what the status was on the graduation deal. He said they were about to start walking. The line of cars seemed to go on forever and I seriously considered running down the road because I would probably get there faster.

I was going to miss my own graduation, I thought, I was extremely upset and infuriated with myself. I pictured Corey Booker giving his speech and me running in late disrupting the whole ceremony while I frantically tried to find an empty seat.

We finally reached the road the school was on and I got out of the car along with my cousin and I RAN in my heels all the way to the quad. A normal person would have taken their shoes off but I was so panicked I didn’t even think to do that. I was out of breath and people were laughing and beeping at me in their cars. I can’t believe I didn’t sprain my ankle or break some ligament in my foot while running for my life.

Discombobulated, flustered, and light-headed with my make-up slightly ruined, I reached the area where I was supposed to be even though I was really late.

I ended up walking with the Pharmacy graduates or something like that rather than the Bachelor of Arts grads. I was finally there and didn’t miss the ceremony and got to receive my diploma with the right people.

Looking back on it now it’s funny, but a year ago I seriously thought I was going to miss my own graduation and be left out on all of the good action… because you can’t make up a graduation!

Me, the cap that started it all, and the shoes I ran in.

what a quack.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye Ugly-As$-I-Look-Like-A-Chipmunk-Cocky-Mother-F’er-West are dating. But who the f cares? Not me. It’s obviously not going to last. That woman is a joke. So is her “career.”

Although I do enjoy watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

Speaking of jokes…tabloid magazines. There are so many things I dislike about them. As fun as these celebrity packed magazines are to flip through, they should be spit on, burned, and thrown into a whole deep into the earth.

As a struggling journalism major trying to find a stable full-time job, I think tabloids are an insult to the media world. Attacking celebrities when they are taking out bags of stinking trash or stuffing their faces at a fast food joint and tagging a corny caption underneath the picture is not considered journalism.

Journalism consists of researching, reading, writing, generating story ideas, interviewing, and having the ability to do all that correctly.

None of this “SNOOKIE’S PREGNANCY WOES!” or “KIM AND KANYE: HOT, HOT, HOT NEW COUPLE!” or “BRITNEY SPEARS POOPED IN HER PANTS! EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS!”

Maaakes mee sick.

There are much more important things to spend your time reading. I read magazines and sometimes the newspaper when I am looking for my daily horoscope. A couple days ago I made the mistake of reading a whole section of a newspaper and I scared myself.

I am struggling with heartburn/indigestion/acid-reflux. If I drink diet soda or have red wine close to when I’m going to sleep or other sh.t I get this sharp pain in my chest that won’t leave me alone. A few years ago I actually thought I was having a heart attack until I realized that it was just my acid-reflux blowing up.

As I was scanning the “Today” section in the Star Ledger I saw a headline that caught my eye about a man whose heartburn/acid-reflux turned into espohageal cancer. I’m known to be quite the hypochondriac but I took this article as a sign. The night before I was up until 4:00am with a case of heartburn and the next morning a read an article about a man getting cancer from it?!

Oh no. I think it’s time that I make an appointment with my doctor and get this sorted out.

The article said endoscopies (which I got 6 years ago) can help detect any abnormalities in your espohagus that will determine if you have esophageal cancer. I don’t want to go through that again though! It’s much better than a colonoscopy, but I don’t want to do it. I don’t. I don’t. I don’t.

The article also said obese people are more likely to develop the cancer since holes in their esophagus enlarges along with their body. I am not obese but it still scares me.

Never picking up a newspaper again.

Anyway…

The weather is starting to pick up nicely, isn’t it?

Nice weather means I have stopped hibernating and made some appearances outside.

Sunday I mowed the lawn, or something closely to it. Now I have these gross what used to be blisters but are now just scabs the size of a hole punch on each thumb. They actually hurt. I don’t know what I did wrong when maneuvering the lawn mower but I definitely realized that I have no upper body strength. Next time I see landscapers mowing my neighbor’s lawns I am going to stare at them from the window and try to pick up a few techniques so I can get a full $25 from my father next time.

Monday rained and that was a drag.

Tuesday did as well.

Wednesday I went for my first run or as I like to call it, a slow jog, after a very very long exercise hiatus.

Thursday I did as well.

The chipmunks, squirrels, ducks, and birds I encounter during my time at the park amuse me. I tried to chase some geese today but one hissed at me and flew away.

Who knows what exciting things the upcoming weekend will bring. Maybe I’ll finally catch that goose.

……crickets……

Peace ‘n love baby.

I Said “Shit” During an Interview

There has to be a chip missing in my brain. There has to be. Today I did two very idiotic things. Two things that I’ll look back on and wonder why I didn’t think before I acted.

I haven’t been on my computer in weeks because my rabbit chewed on the wire of the charger. My computer doesn’t function with out the battery charger plugged in so Pup totally screwed me over.

I called Staples up and told them so they told me to bring in my battery into the store so they could order me a new one. Well instead of bringing in the battery I brought in the charger.

When I got there the guy who helped me said, “So what do you need replaced? The battery or charger?” Confused, I replied, “Whatever this thing is,” holding the charger. Turns out I need a new charger and battery. So I drove all the way back home, took my whole computer, the charger, and battery back to the store and waited 20 minutes to order a new battery because it had to be done through the store. Now I have to wait 5-7 business days to use my computer again.

I’d rather just get a new computer but you know what? I don’t have the money for it seeing that my new job is giving me three hours, three times a week. I can’t freakin’ win. Eight hours a day of training and they’re only giving me three hours.

Speaking of jobs, today I had a 2:00 phone interview with the Human Resources Coordinator of Conde Nast, the magazine publishing company. In between the whole Staples adventure I realized that I forgot that I had to call her. When I was on my way home the first time, going to retrieve my battery, I saw on the car clock that it was exactly 2:00.

I wasn’t prepared at all. I was so out of it today and I still am. So I called her as I was walking in the door. The first question she asked me was what magazines of Conde Nast I read. I froze. I totally forgot if Cosmopolitan or Glamour was published by Conde Nast. Frazzled and confused I said, “Shit.” Yes. I said shit during an interview.

I was shocked at myself. Did I honestly just curse during an important interview?

After my speech blunder, I said, “I’m sorry, I just walked in the door, I have a stack of magazines in my room that I gathered for this interview, can you hold on a sec?” I hung up on her. Ran upstairs. Went on the Conde Nast website, and saw all the magazines that were part of Conde Nast.

I called her back saying I’ve been out all day and my battery died and I’m so sorry. She seemed to genuinely believe my lie. I really hope she did. The rest of the interview went fine but I doubt I will hear back from my favorite magazine’s publishing company.

I really hate myself today.

You’re Such a Load of Excretement

I’ve been like, working lately. I know it’s weird. It all started two weeks ago. It was rainy out and I was probably reading in bed. I received a text from my father demanding me to apply for this new store in town that had a “Now Hiring!” sign on it’s window. I didn’t even know what kind of store it was, just the name. I entered www.paper-source.com into my browser, clicked on Careers, and then clicked on Apply. Then I applied. An hour later I had an interview set up for the next day.

I should probably do some research on what type of store this is, I thought. I browsed the site and it seemed like a cute store with stationary and other beautiful paper products, scrapbook and journal supplies, cards and envelopes of every size and color under the sun, and crafts such as book-binding kits, envelope kits, and other DIY stuff. It looked cool!

Day One (of Eight days of training) I thought to myself, what the hell did I get myself into?

Because it wasn’t “just a craft store” like I had previously thought but we had to get trained on every single item in the store, where it came from, what its purpose is, and how to use it. It was ridiculous. Plus, the position was Customer Service Associate. I hate dealing with the public! They’re snobby stuck up b.tches who talk down to you and I do not mix well with people like that. We also have to take custom print orders from people who want to create invitations, business cards, stationary, and other things. I do NOT want to deal with any bridezilla. Knowing me I’d mess up the order and her wedding day.

If someone is rude to me (which has happened already and it was only Opening Day) I do not want to “kill them with kindness” I want to actually hurt them. But I won’t because I’d end up fired and in jail.

Anyway the training was pretty intense and my ditzy side did come out. I can’t believe the things that come out of my mouth sometimes. It makes me wonder how I managed to graduate college with a GPA in the 3 range. We had to learn how to make every type of craft in the store because we need to know how to explain it to the customers and we also have to teach workshops. I honestly can’t imagine (and I’ve tried several times) myself teaching others how to do something. I almost threw a tantrum during the book-binding and gift-wrapping training session.

Training finally ended but it wore me the F out. It was pretty stressful. Crafts and such are supposed to be fun! I had an anxiety attack last week in the car. I was nauseous, shaky and thought I was going to puke because I was so stressed out.

The store opened on Friday and it went pretty well except for this one woman who kept asking me thousands of questions and I tried to be as nice and fake as I could when I greeted customers at the door. As soon as I left I let out a deep breath because being happy for hours on end is exhausting for those who aren’t used to being very nice and very happy all the time.

Some of my latest work (minus the journal I made) …

Surprisingly I do!

Today I had another interview for a part time job at Barnes and Noble at the Livingston Mall. I thought that having two part time jobs would help me make more money, therefore I’d be that much closer to moving out therefore I’d be that much happier.

My interview was set for 3 but I got there early at 2:40. I told this crank at the customer service desk that Carlee was here for the 3:00 interview and she called Daryll and told him. 30 minutes pass and I’m still wondering around the same book section reading the backs of books with ridiculous titles such as “Drop Dead Chocolate,” “Blind Date Baby,” and “I Thirst For You.”

I returned to the customer service desk and told a different woman that I was supposed to have an interview today and she makes another call and tells me to wait. I go back to browsing. My back is turned but I hear a man say, “Is this the lovely lady I’m supposed to interview?” I assume it’s me he is referring to so I turn around and I am about to walk over to the desk but instead I see Daryll and this b.tch wearing a polka dotted dress and a overly excited smile walking away with him.

Um, I was there first. SHE was his 3:30 interview (as I later found out) and I was his 3:00 interview. The A hole interviewed the wrong girl first. I was ticked off beyond control so I told the woman at the desk who told me to wait (again).

I will not wait anymore and I will not work with morons so I left the damn store and went home.

I have bad interviewing experience. I never wrote about the time I got sent to the wrong address for an interview but yeah, it happened. And I didn’t get that job either.

And people wonder why I always say how much other people suck. Daryll is a perfect example. You are a load of excretement. Barnes and Noble won’t be gettting my services anymore. I’ll settle for the library instead.

Peace for now.

Don’t Touch Me! …My Life Dealing with Mysophobia

I have a pathological fear of germs and contamination…Mysophobia to be exact. I hate germy stuff and all things dirty. When it comes to opening  a door or pushing an elevator button I…I don’t. I go the extra mile to avoid touching certain things. I can be really anal. See below:

If I have to, I push an elevator button with my knuckle…then wipe my knuckle on the leg of my pants…like that’s gonna do anything. But it makes me feel slightly better. I’ve used my elbow as well. And my shoe once or twice.

I open bathroom doors with my sleeve or if a paper towel dispenser is near I crumple up a bunch of towels and open the door with them.

I hold my breath while in public bathrooms because I don’t want to breath in that bathroom air. In Penn Station my mom was dry heaving in her stall because it smelled like someone had held in their urine for days…and ate a lot of asparagus.

If I go into a stall and there are pee drops on the seat I don’t even bother to wipe it up. Why would I clean up someone else’s piss? I’m not touching that. I’ll just go into another stall and hope it’s somewhat cleaner.

During winter (aka sick season) my hands are cracked and dry because I wash them around the clock and abuse them with hand sanitizer. Every time I spread my fingers I could hear the webbing make a crrrk noise.

After a clammy handshake I find the nearest bathroom and well, you know the drill.

I keep my tooth brush in my bedroom closet so it doesn’t get bathroom-air-droplets on it.

If someone breathes too close to me I turn my head and blow out my mouth or nose (in the most discreet way possible) as an attempt to get their breath off of me.

I hate touching TV remotes, other people’s pens and refrigerator door handles.

Umm, what else do I do…

I hate sharing drinks with people. If we are out and you want to try my drink, order it yourself because I don’t want to be sipping on food bits/backwash. There have been many times where I felt too rude saying no so I let you do it anyway…but regretted it for the rest of the night.

I turn off sink faucets with my wrists because what is the point of touching a dirty handle if I just washed my hands?

I always take the second napkin in case people have touched the top napkins before me.

I aways drink from the cup in the middle of the stack because the bottom cup’s rim has touched the cabinet and the top has been touched by the most hands.

I always flush toilets with my foot. It is a balancing act of sorts.

~~~

I know I can be a bit a freak when it comes to these things, but I have been this way my whole life and I am not going to stop now. I’m a germaphobe, yes, but I am not happy about it. Yet…I have no problem cleaning up the millions of rabbit pellets that seem to just fall out of my rabbit’s rabbit hole every single day.

Ah. Get away.

Cheers

My Stalker

It’s always unnerving when you realize someone is watching you.

The first time I recognized that I was being stalked was during my sophomore year of college. Thankfully I wasn’t alone in this case. My roommate Amanda and I were both being stalked by the same person. Or so we thought…

It was a typical morning at Butterfield, the dining hall, and we were sitting at a table eating cereal. A freshman guy came to where we were sitting and asked if he could join us. We said yes and just continued talking. The freshman started joining in our conversation and introduced himself as Greg. My roommate and I were just being nice so we told him our names, our majors, and talked to him until we had to go to class. After the two of us left we both mentioned how he seemed nice and that we felt bad for him because he didn’t have anyone to sit with.

Later that day I was at the gym and saw Greg but noticed that this morning he didn’t have a beard and looked a little less muscular. Whatever, I thought, and continued “running” around the track.

A few days passed and Amanda and I saw Greg just wandering around Ellery, our dorm building. We thought it was weird because one, he was a freshman, and two, we didn’t tell him where we lived. Later that night we were at the other dining hall, Hope, and saw Greg. He came and said hi to us and asked us what we were doing for Halloween. He then invited us to come out with him and his friends. We said “we’ll let you know” which was just a nice way of saying no.

The next day we saw Greg and started getting a little creeped out because we saw him everywhere. Dining hall, on the way to class, the gym, OUTSIDE of our dorm building. So we attempted to avoid him. Well that didn’t work out so well because when we sat at a table next to football players (trying to hide from him) he found us and didn’t even ask and sat down with us.

Amanda and I gave each other a look and just really wanted to leave. So we left. We were a few speeds away from running and bolted back to our rooms laughing nervously, trying to figure out what was going on. The next day who do we see at the dining hall? Greg… but there was someone else with him who looked very similar to Greg. The guy was skinnier and didn’t have a beard. They were twins. We were being stalked by twins who didn’t want us to know that they were twins and continued to act as one person.

One day we were talking to Greg and another we were talking to Andy, we just didn’t know it. We ran out of the dining hall and went to the other dining hall all freaked out. We came up with a name for them, Grandy, and tried to avoid them at all costs.

Eventually they got the hint that we wanted nothing to do with them because we so obviously avoided them whenever we saw them. I managed to give them dirty looks every so often too.

Grandy was still everywhere we went. Even at the football games we couldn’t escape them. It was an awkward situation. When we were walking together and passed Grandy we were trapped and we forced ourselves to be in an intense conversation to make it look like we didn’t see them.

I even asked, “Why can’t we be stalked by cute twins??” They were creeps who were always slithering around campus trying to get to us.

The rest of our sophomore years we saw them, and of course my junior and senior years I still felt awkward/creeped out when I passed Grandy on the way to class.

Sometimes I wonder if they followed us to our dorms every night or watched us from afar at the dining halls…who knows what those two sickos were capable of but I hope they found somebody else to fall for their sick trick and stalk.